How two completely different experiences of the same word sparked my own curiosities around ‘attachment’.
Now that I’m navigating single life with clearer eyes, I’m starting to see what I truly need in a relationship. Room to roam, yes, but also someone who actually shows up. I’ve been chewing on the idea of attachment after a convo with a friend - and not the flimsy therapy-talk version where everyone diagnoses themselves with “avoidant tendencies”. I mean real-life attachment. The kind that shows up in the way I feed animals before I feed myself, or how the hay gets hauled every single night whether I’m tired, it’s uncomfortably cold, or I’m just mildly lazy that day.
Last night, I was talking with a close friend about what “attachment” means to me.
I associate it with consistency.
He associates it with being under someone’s thumb.
So naturally, we butted heads in our personal definitions.
I see attachment as how everything survives.
How everything thrives.
How you show you actually show up.
(This last one is huge for me in this new chapter, because I’ve learned people can say whatever they want, but how they behave is everything.)
So of course that’s how I see it in relationships too.
Not as control.
Not as surveillance.
But as being present like an adult who knows how to care.
Then there’s the other perspective…
the “attachment equals control” side,
the “consistency feels like a trap” side.
In the moment, it was hard to understand, hard to articulate my view without accidentally implying his was wrong. It isn’t. It just comes from a different history, a different wiring, a different set of experiences where “showing up” (in his experience) used to come with strings attached.
For him, attachment sounds like pressure. Obligation.
A creeping sense that if he’s too consistent, someone’s going to hand him a clipboard and assign him emotional chores, and honestly, I get that.
After sleeping on it, I could see his side more clearly. This is the beauty of understanding different perspectives and being able to relate to others - even when it seems so foreign.
Life hands all of us wiring we didn’t ask for. Still, it’s wild how two people can use the same word and mean entirely different things.
My definition of attachment felt right, but was rooted in my experience with it.
Be reliable.
Be present.
Don’t vanish like a magician when things get real.
And if you say you care, act like it.
His definition also felt right due to his experience of it meaning entanglement in unmet expectations and then the fallout wrapped in shame.
So in the moment, it felt like we were talking apples and oranges. But after coffee this morning, I landed on a clarifying little epiphany:
I equate consistency with attachment.
Because the opposite - detachment - often looks like inconsistency. And I have a lot of experience with that, and let me tell you, it never feels good. Healthy relationships absolutely require consistency.
Not clinginess.
Not 24/7 access.
Not someone checking your phone.
Just good old-fashioned, grown-up reliability.
And if consistency feels like control, that’s not compatibility. that’s trauma, overwhelm, or something else entirely.
And I’m not here to drag anyone. Truly.
But let’s be clear…
Consistency is not a cage.
Consistency is a kindness.
Consistency is adulting with feelings.
Two people can genuinely care for each other and still be wired for wildly different rhythms. One reaches for steady, grounding connection. The other keeps a fire escape propped open in case feelings start feeling too…
feeling-y.
Neither is wrong.
But one rhythm is definitely more conducive to a healthy relationship.
I guess the takeaway is:
Some people feel safe with space.
Some feel safe with steadiness.
And some of us need a balance. the freedom to roam, paired with the comfort of knowing our person will still pick up the phone when things get hairy.
If that’s too much for someone, then they’re simply not your person.
Have thoughts or opinions on this? Bring ‘em! I’d love to hear them. Comment below (or DM me on the ’gram). :)
xo
- s
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