So… hi.
I know I kind of ghosted my own blog for a minute.
Which feels a little rude, considering I live here.
But I promise I wasn’t off doing anything terribly fun.
I’ve just been tending to my life in all the ways needed.
Mowing. Friends.
A deep dive into some unresolved stuff.
A comedy show here, a music show there.
Visitors to the farm.
Deck beers at my bestie’s house.
The mowers have all been serviced - yes, all three of them. Various models of John Deere lawn tractors, because this is who I am now. When you have 9 acres to tend to, you need a fleet. When one of them goes down, I panic.
Since last August, I’ve been down to one working mower, which felt like living on the edge in a way I do not enjoy. So I got overwhelmed, threw my hands up, and let parts of the property go.
But right now, it’s all so beautiful again.
I’ve also been keeping the house tidy in a way that feels… intentional.
Making sure that when I leave for work, a night out, even just a run to the feed store, I come home to something that welcomes me instead of expecting me to do something.
Same goes for bedtime.
Because mornings feel different when you wake up to peace instead of dishes in the sink from yesterday.
Me and the dogs have been leaning all the way into summer. Poptart with the hose. Reece guarding the yard from his hammock. He’s even made a little friend - some little dirt road chihuahua that stops by the fence. And watching him play? OMG. Play bowing. Tail wagging. Smiling.
It melted me.
Because he’s so different now.
Happier. Softer.
Less rigid. Less on edge.
And that’s when it hit me…
That’s how I feel too.
And then there’s the internal renovations.
And let me be clear - this has not been a light refresh.
This has been full demolition mode.
Rip up the floors. Walls coming down. Find weird emotional wiring. Discover things that make you go,
“…well that explains a lot,” followed immediately by,
“…cool. I hate that.” No shortcuts this time.
No throwing a rug over it and calling it “healed.”
And honestly, the payoff has been worth it.
I’ve never felt more grounded in my life.
Also never been more aware of how much absolute nonsense was living rent-free in my head.
It’s been brutal at times - digging through past wreckage usually is.
But I’ve had this beautiful balance too.
Long days outside. Dogs. Movement. Laughter.
Light alongside the heavy. Highly recommend.
Would not like to do it again.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, I noticed something small that wasn’t actually small at all.
I’ve been leaving my windows uncovered.
Some sheer curtains here and there, but mostly open.
Blinds up. Light in. It started because of the plants.
Last May, I got a few just to see if I could keep them alive.
In May, they’ll hit their one-year mark, and I’m absolutely throwing them a little celebration because they are thriving.
But somewhere along the way, without realizing it, they got me to let the light in too.
And it turns out, that’s exactly what I needed.
Because I don’t feel the need to keep myself hidden behind curtains, blinds, or barriers anymore.
Not at night.
Not when I leave.
Not even a little “just in case.”
And this is where it gets weird.
Because there was a version of me who needed everything locked down tight to feel okay. Blackout curtains. Privacy blinds. A whole system designed to keep me safe and unseen.
And now…
It’s open.
It’s bright.
It’s welcoming.
And somehow, I feel safer than I ever did back then.
Which feels backwards.
But also very correct.
I think that’s the part nobody really tells you about working through your stuff. It doesn’t always look like some big breakthrough moment where you scream-cry to a healer and come out glowing on the other side.
Sometimes it’s quieter. You don’t flinch at the same things anymore. You stop bracing for impact without realizing it. You leave the windows open… and forget to be afraid.
I untangled things these past few months that I didn’t even know were still under the surface.
Life is funny like that.
You can think you’re healed, moved on, opened a new chapter - when really, you’ve just gotten really good at convincing yourself you are.
I tend to look for the best in people and situations.
Sometimes to the point that it blurs reality, even for me.
But right now I’m good.
Lighter. Relieved of a weight I didn’t fully realize I was carrying. And actually looking forward to what comes next.
And for now, that’s enough.
More soon.
Probably.
-s
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