50.

I’m a few days out from my 50th birthday, and although I did absolutely nothing to celebrate other than sit outside and watch the sky during the meteor shower, I woke up this morning feeling grateful.

Grateful for the calm that has been consistent in this home for the last two years. Grateful for the structure I’ve managed to build into my life over the last year.

And grateful that I get to do what I love every single day.

Poptart is even so much calmer with a structured life - something I know she needed, especially because she can’t see. Before, there was no rhyme or reason to walks or meals. She was overweight and unhealthy. I had become overweight too.

It’s crazy how much a little structure can make a person feel more secure. Less like the rug can be pulled out from underneath at any moment.

I’ve said this before, but I’ve made peace with my past failed relationship and the decades I spent with someone with whom there was never real compatibility.

The impact of staying in something that was all wrong wasn’t good for either of us, but I don’t believe things went down intentionally. We were too young to commit to something long-term, and I didn’t have the life experience to differentiate between the very normal anxieties and uncertainties that come with transitioning into independence and adulthood and mental health issues that need professional attention. Hell, I was on antidepressants. I just assumed everyone was having these internal battles.

The difference was that one of us was aware of an internal struggle but was in denial about it.

As I started building routines and making changes that changed my own chemistry - working out, martial arts, running - I eventually got to a place where I was able to come off antidepressants. My ex, on the other hand, was self-medicating. Indulging in things that weren’t actually addressing the issues, but distracting himself from them, only for them to resurface more intensely down the road.

 Eventually, it became a pattern. Something I would recognize immediately now and remove myself from.

But back then, I wanted to be supportive. And I was doing it in all the wrong ways.

The beauty of life and of the years we live, is that they bring lessons you can only learn through experience.

So here I am.

And proud of myself for making it this far.

I’ve done a lot of internal work. I’ve let go of the hard feelings attached to the past. And I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me. I do still envision growing old with a companion someday, but I’m in no hurry.

I have my dogs. My little slice of heaven. And work that swells my heart to the point that tears come easily from being overwhelmed with so much love.

I cry a lot these days.

My fellow hikers have witnessed it. The inmates know all about it. It’s a running joke with my business partner.

I don’t know if it’s hormonal or not, but I know it’s not because I’m sad. If I had to put the feeling into words, I’d say it’s this overwhelming sense of butterflies with a little lightning mixed in while standing beneath the most beautiful double rainbow you’ve ever seen. It comes from being in awe of how much my life has changed and how in love I am with it. 

I get to live day to day doing the things that feed my soul after spending decades working for “tha man” and getting nothing from it other than money. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of at home and in the workplace. I felt like a prisoner most days. I made a lot of money and tried to buy peace for myself.

And luckily, one of the things I bought was this old farm.

It has truly been the thing I needed.

I just wasn’t able to find the right circumstances to actually enjoy it.

That time is now.

Happy Friday!

xo

-s